Feeling Alone

I am feeling alone. I long for a mother or grandmother figure to come alongside me. Someone who could watch the baby sometimes, who could quietly point out glaring problems with my housekeeping methods, who could say, "when I was a young mother..." and tell a story that may or may not relate to my problem but that would nevertheless illustrate every young mother has challenges.

Now before I continue, I must say I'm not as alone as others. I still have a mother and father, grandmother and other relatives living. I have good friends near and far. I have a good husband. I am not alone. But I feel alone and I can't talk myself out of it.

I read Facebook entries by friends who have these darling little families and every post is about their wonderful husband, mother, mother-in-law, children, friends, and babysitters. I want to scream. Then shake them. Then cry. I'm green with envy. I have a mother and mother-in-law but for various reasons neither are really available to give the kind of advice and care I need. No babysitters to speak of either. My friends all have their own children they are dealing with. My husband is at work almost 80 hrs a week. And my baby is still too little to do anything helpful on his own.

I've been searching for an older woman at church for almost 10 months now. I've found several women I'd like to connect with. I long to be invited to their homes, taken under their wings and generally loved on by them. But they are busy with work. Or their own families. Or both. I can figure out a way to meet with them every few months, but that doesn't satisfy my deep need for a mentor. Our church also has a mom's group that meets once a month. Each table has an assigned older mother who leads the group and then is assigned to call or write the members of their table once in the following month. That's great and better than nothing, but once a month? I want someone I can talk to once a week. Once a day. Once an hour! (ok, not once an hour :P )

In the end I've decided to seek a professional counselor. I'll have to pay them to chat but at least I'm guaranteed a conversation. It's not a bad idea to have a relationship developed with a counselor, and who knows, maybe I have things I need to work through.

But the thought that haunts me is: I'm clean, I'm stable, I'm willing. What about the women who are none of those things and yet need a mother/grandmother figure more than me. If no one is willing to help me, what hope do those women have?